01 Feb Amazing Deals at Uncle Ronnies Chuckle Bunker
Before I begind, I should mention that I have a terrible fear of correcting my Grammar, Puncuation, Spelling, or overall english. So, if you plan on Language shaming me, think twice fuckbois….
So, the ther night I was sitting in my living room when a strange commercial came on.
“Well Howdy there”
said the man with a thick western accent.
“fixin to be looking at possibly buying a new and or used Home Applience?!”
The man chuckles warmly and slaps his knee around 15 times before continuing.
“Well come on down to Uncle Ronnies Chuckle Bunker and get your hands on these once in a lifetime deals! Act now and you can get out special Two for the price of Two special! Buy one object, get a second object of equeal or lesser value at the same price!”
The man turns to his right and pretends to be interacting with someone.
“Isn’t that right Frank?!”
A deep booming voice erupts from….somewhere…. and the man seems unphased as he continues.
“So come on down to Uncle Ronnies Chuckle Bunker today! I’m Uncle Ronnie, and I’l be waiting…”
Then the commercial ended…
“Hm”, I thought to myself. “I don’t remember buying a TV…..Maybe im staying up too late…I should head to bed” I got up and got ready for bed, while i was performing my nightly ritual of tasks i do in oder to prepare for my sleeping that is about to happen to me, I couldn’t get that commercial out of my head.
“No, no, I’m so poor that homeless people keep stunting on me…. I can’t afford any homeware, or appliances or smegma infused watches or whatever the hell he was selling” I thought. “I need to just keep working and saving money, I can worry about buying stuff later”
I was heading to work the next morning, I had just superglues the door closed (someone stole my door knob ok?) when JonJen, local homeless man walked past me…. prooudly sporting what appeared to be pants that had been cut into shorts and looked like he fishd them out of the gutter….. I tried not to show it, but he knew I was green with envy… “I will end you one day JonJen”
On my way to work, I passed a Tv shop, I couldnt help but recognize the man from the strange commercial i’d seen, Only this time he was dressed as a rapper from the 80s, Parachute pants and all…
“Hello thizzle! be yizzay ‘n tha market for a new n or referbished Ridez n or ride related objizzles? Well then! come on down ta Uncle Ronnies Chuckle Bunker Homie! W-H-to-tha-izzere we have Uze’ ridez of every kizzy! (Except Grizzay ones now pass the glock….They knizzow whizzle they did)..” what would yiznou say ta nuttin nizzy down n a 33.3 APR tizzy doubles every tizzle i dont T-H-to-tha-izzink yizzay be go’n ta pay on time? It’s your homie snoop dogg from the dpg.!exactly! so git on ova here n git a pile of uze’ ridez in yo’ arms”
I didnt think much of that one…. considerin i wasn’t sure what the hell was going on… but, I couldn’t help but realize how badly i wish i had a car.
The day went by as normal, until my manager jeff came up and started asking me weird questions.
“Hey…. you heard about that new store that just opened up Uncle Ronnies Chuckle Bunker?”
“…No… I haven’t” I said. Honestly im not sure why i lied, Sue me ok? He looked at me with a confussed look.
“Hm…. you haven’t seen the commercials, they habe been playing all over the place” He said, in a somewhat aggresive tone.
“HEY!”I barked “what’s with the 20 questions?! what, I’m not alowed to not see a commercial?! You know what Frank, you can suckle these nutts! fuck you! and i had sex with your mother last night!”
I admit, I may have been a little harsh… but i had work to do. shortly thereafter, I was fired, something about “being a dick” whatever that means…
On my way home, I expected to pass by the tv shop and see some nonesence commercial. However, when I turned the corner of that street, I saw that the store was empty… I walked up to the window and on it, there was a sticky note that read “There are no Tvs here, Nor have there ever been any Tvs”.
“Oh, well that’s a relief!” I talk/shouted. “I thought I was going crazy! Lol”
I walked home, with long crab like steps, really walking with purpose, I mean, I was leaning so hard that my back was almost touching the ground, It felt like my knees were about to explode any second.
My good mood was crushed when i walked past an open window and hear a familure voice say “Uncle Ronnies Chuckle Bunker! Come by and get manhandled by a fish with manhands!”
“…Wat” I thouht, alarmed, I crawled through the open window and yelled at the tv “WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!” The man on the tv seemed to react to me, which i wasn’t actually expecting, it was only a subtle reaction but i noticed it. “OH PISSING DICK! IT’S HIM! HE HEARD THE FISH HANDS PART!” the man seemed panicked and starting running around before the tv cuts to static.
I crawled back out the window, my mind heavy with heavy…thick…..thoughts.
Now i don’t know what to think… The ever growing desire to figure this whole thing out only got more ever growing. But, what if it was all a lie… what if there were no dank deals on electric couches, Plunger Dildos and week old soup, what if the only thing waiting for me in that bunker was….Fish man hands….
I don’t know, but i intend to find out.
How do I add flair to a reditt post so you guys know this is a series? Please send answers and 5$ to “Jack” at the strange gas station at the edge of town.