01 Feb Dads Tapes: Don’t Put Your D&%* in Crazy
Everyone seems really interested in dad’s tapes. I guess that’s good – his work gets to sort of live on. But it’s also a little creepy that you guys are so interested in these psychos. I mean, you seem almost as interested as dad was. He talked about the perps all the time. I think it followed him home from work a lot.
Anyway, here is another tape. If you want to read the first one, it’s here. Also just a reminder that my dad’s name is Danny, so that’s what I call him below.
EDIT: My dad’s name WAS Danny, sorry.
Danny: Are you feeling alright?
Dirk: Yeah man, just tired. I can’t sleep in this place.
Danny: Yeah, I understand that. Do you feel able to talk to me?
Dirk: Sure, but you won’t believe me.
Danny: Try me.
Dirk: (Takes a deep breath) It’s just I haven’t been able to talk to anyone except Meg about this. Especially not my family, obviously.
Danny: How about we start there. What is your family life like?
Dirk: I don’t know. My life has always been kind of below average. My parents were both college grads but I didn’t make it past freshman year.
Danny: What else?
Dirk: I guess I was kind of a jerk in high school. I dated around a lot and messed with some of the younger kids. I got myself together a bit once my parents kicked me out of the house. I’m not mad at them for it – I needed that push. I started working as a bartender. And that’s where I’ve been for forever it seems. Same town, same bar, same life.
Ha, I guess it has its benefits though.
Danny: Yeah? Like what?
Dirk: The nice thing about Mickey’s – sorry that’s the bar I work at. The good thing is that it’s between two major roads, so we get a lot of travelers in. A lot of out-of-towners staying overnight. That means a lot of new faces and always new women to meet. I wouldn’t call myself handsome. Hell, you can see that. But I can definitely charm a girl into bed. (He laughs)
Well, not all girls. Not Meg.
Danny: Who is Meg?
Dirk: Meg is this leggy brunette who just moved out of her parents’ place. She was just barely eighteen when she dropped into the bar. She is small-town pretty; you know the kind. Boring face, not really any ass, but her rack was nice and she knew how to wear a dress.
I’m sorry, man. I’m kind of vulgar.
Danny: I’ve heard worse. Please, go on.
Dirk: Well I chatted Meg up every night she came in, but she never went home with me. We’d be talking until closing time, me urging her back to my place. But she always flirtatiously declined and that was that. I may not be the best guy, but I am definitely not some rapist.
Anyway – a week after Meg started coming in I met this chick…fuck what was her name.
Danny: Ann? Ann Cirreli?
Dirk: Yeah! That sounds right. Ann. She was a typical traveler on her way to a business trip. She stopped into the bar for a drink and I certainly admired the way she filled out her little pantsuit. We flirted all night and then I took her home.
I promise you, everything was totally normal for the most part. We talked more at my apartment, we made out a little, and then it was time for the real event. This is going to get kind of graphic. But hey, I warned you. So yeah I was just inside her when all of a sudden she starts screaming, “Don’t put your dick in crazy!” (His voice raises and he is actually screaming this)
I immediately pull out. I was totally caught off guard. I said, “What the fuck?!”
She was just lying on the bed, confused. She asked what was wrong. I told her what she said and she laughed and said I must have been hearing things. I guess I shrugged it off because we started making out again, I got hard and was back inside of her.
She starts screaming again. “Don’t put your dick in crazy! Don’t put your dick in crazy!”
I pull out again and she is looking at me still confused. I think fuck it. Maybe she has a weird kink or something. So I decide to just go with it.
We start fucking again and she just keeps screaming. “Don’t put your dick in crazy!” I try to ignore it, you know? But then it gets really weird. Her face starts to like…contort, I guess. Like she tasted something sour but it was affecting her entire face. Then her neck starts to turn and I swear to god she turned her head almost all the way around.
This is going to sound strange, but…I couldn’t stop. It was the best damn orgasm I ever had. She was looking weirder and weirder, screaming the whole time “Don’t put your dick in crazy!” but I was cumming fucking hard. I finished finally and must have passed out, because I woke up and she was gone.
Danny: You didn’t see her leave?
Dirk: Nope. (Pauses for a few seconds) I asked Meg about it, and she laughed at me. She said either Ann was a nut job or I was going insane. I kind of joked about inviting her up to my apartment, and seeing which one was true, but she said no like she always did.
But that wasn’t the end. The same thing happened to next three girls.
Danny: Next four?
Dirk: Yeah, I mean I wasn’t going to let some crazy bitch ruin my sex life. Plus I don’t know why, but I felt extra horny all the time. Every woman I saw was incredibly hot to me, even if she wasn’t my type.
Like the next girl I took home. Her name was…Uh…
Dirk: No, that was the one after that. I think this next girl was named Susie. Anyway, she was not a chick you’d think of as hot. She was thin but had this weird bulging stomach. Like she was pregnant almost. Her hair was kind of ratty and she was just dirty looking. But I was horny and she was ready to go. So I took her home.
She didn’t even want to make out. I think she was just grateful for any male attention. So we get to fucking right away and just like Ann she starts screaming, “Don’t put your dick in crazy!” I pull out, fucking shocked. She looks at me weird, just like Ann. She said she didn’t say anything. She said I must be imagining it.
And fuck I was so horny, I went back inside her. She was turned away from me, towards the wall. I tried to push her head into the pillow, so I wouldn’t hear her yelling. “Don’t put your dick in crazy!” But she was loud as fuck. And her body…the huge bulge on her stomach started moving. It moved to her back and then up to her neck. It was pulsing like something was pushing inside of it. Then her head snaps back and her spine twists up towards me, all the while she’s screaming “Don’t put your dick in crazy!”
I guess I passed out again after I finished. She was gone when I woke up.
Danny: Does that phrase have any meaning to you?
Dirk: I mean, I know my high school friends and I used to use that phrase all the time jokingly, especially about ex-girlfriends. It’s like, so many women are just nut jobs. And if you fuck those chicks, you’re stuck with the crazy forever.
But none of these girls seemed like that! They were just normal bar chicks. But every girl I had sex with did the same thing. The yelling, the weird body shit, and then me waking up and they were gone. Ann, Susie, Miranda, Cal, Carrie, and whatever that last chick’s name was. She was a hooker so I doubt Candy was her real name.
Danny: Candy was the sex worker?
Dirk: Yeah, she was my last hope sort of. Meg actually suggested it. I told her the insane stories of these girls, and she said I was definitely going crazy. But there’s only way to know for sure. She said that I should hire a prostitute and pay her to say nothing during sex. And if she yells, then I know I’m insane.
Danny: So it was Meg who introduced you to Candy?
Dirk: Yeah. But Candy was the worst one of all. The second I entered her her skin started dripping off. It fell like paint sloping off her body. It turned a dark red then smeared onto my bed. It got all over my body. But I couldn’t stop. I just watched as she decomposed right in front of me. And of course the whole time she was screaming, “Don’t put your dick in crazy! Don’t put your dick in crazy!” Eventually I was fucking a bare skeleton. I swear to god she had melted right in front of me. I just wanted it to be over. (He starts to cry softly)
Danny: When did the police show up?
Dirk: Right before I…you know, finished. It was mortifying. The police stared at me with their guns out while I was cumming into this disgusting skeleton. I finished, but this time I didn’t pass out.
Danny: Do you remember what happened after that?
Dirk: Kind of. I remember one of the cops handcuffing me. They wouldn’t even let me grab my clothes. I remember being put in this room. But I don’t know why I’m being held here. I didn’t do anything wrong! It was these crazy women, I swear! They are the ones who were screaming! “Don’t put your dick in crazy!” I didn’t tell them to! If they say I did something to them, they’re lying. Ask Meg. Please, ask her.
Dirk: Just ask Meg.
I did some digging after I listened to this story. Turns out Dirk was a real scumbag. He killed five women in the span of three months. They were all travelers, so no one even knew where to look for them or that they were missing. He was only caught because he dug up an ex-girlfriend who had killed herself in high school. He was trying to have sex with her dead body (well, whatever is left after 5+ years). Her name was Megan Rooley.
My dad put up with some sick people. I don’t know how he got through it alive. Well, I guess he didn’t.