01 Feb Has Anyone Heard Hal Sharkey’s Everything Podcast?
The following is a series of podcast transcripts by a guy whose show I’ve followed for years. His name is Hal Sharkey, or Hal2001 on the forums. If you haven’t heard of him, Hal does a daily show where he provides insightful reviews of movies, books, and cool products. Until recently, the show has always been light and fun, except in brief moments of insight when he was reviewing a serious movie or book.
In the past few weeks something changed.
At first glance, it seems like Hal had some kind of nervous breakdown– he started getting really weird and then he just stopped posting. But for almost a decade, he did a show almost every weekday. His is one of only a few podcasts that have over 2000 episodes. I’ve been a religious follower of his for the better part of ten years and I feel like I know the man. This is really, really strange. What’s even more strange is that since Hal quit posting, his show has disappeared from all podcast platforms and his website has been taken down. Since I started sharing these transcripts, my posts have been deleted and I don’t know why. I’ve contacted the admins of several forums but they act like they don’t know what I’m talking about. Something is terribly wrong here.
Note: These are transcripts from his podcast. Some of this may be hard to read because I had to take pictures of my screen to capture the text. For some reason, I could not take a screen shot of his website before it was taken down.
December 15th, 2019
…so, as best I can without spoilers, The Ritual is basically a supernatural version of Predator with a lot of skinny British guys instead of heavily armed commandos. It’s okay, but for my money I’d rather have just watched Hawkins tell his off-color jokes again. Two stars.
And today’s item review that you can purchase by clicking on the link below is the Dorset PX12 deluxe waffle iron and panini maker. How does it work? Each cast-iron plate is reversible so that you get two appliances in one. When breakfast is done, simply release the catch on the bottom and flip the plate over to the flat side and you can make a pressed sandwich. And, AND, here’s the kicker: If you only flip one of the plates, you can make foods that are waffled on one side, flat on the other. I never knew I needed that feature until I got the PX12 but now I can’t imagine life without it. Five of five stars.
December 16th, 2018
Welcome to Hal’s Everything Show, where we talk about everything! Episode #2479! That’s right folks, only twenty-one days to go till the big 2500! Do you know how hard it is to come up with 2500 things to talk about? IT’S NOT EASY!!! Ha Ha Ha!!!
This week we’re going to talk about Kurt Russell. From dancing Disney kid to Santa Claus, we’re going all out. Did you know that as he lay dying, Walt Disney, in a sudden burst of energy, demanded a pen and a piece of paper? He got his pen and his paper and then he scrawled the name Kurt Russell on it before laying down and going to that great big castle in the sky, and nobody knows why!
So, let’s start with Kurt’s early work, including TV series as a child actor…
…and that’s enough for tonight. I’ll be back tomorrow to discuss the Disney years, hopefully blow through some of the more obscure stuff (although there are some true gems in there) and then we’ll get to the good stuff, like John Carpenter, The Thing, Escape from New York, and, of course, Goldie Hawn!
Today’s item review comes to us from Kitchen Magic. I know, I know, but I’ve been on a cooking kick lately, but I’ve been getting some really cool stuff. The kit you see can be purchased by clicking the link below. This is a traveling food processor. Not much different from a regular food processor except that the whole thing comes apart and packs into itself for easy transportation. Going to an Airbnb for the weekend? Tired of digging through cabinets and hoping they have what you need? Bring Kitchen Magic with you and you have everything at your fingertips. I got it just the other day and my breakfast smoothies have never been tastier! Five of five stars.
December 18th, 2018
Hey everyone, sorry for no show yesterday. They’re installing something in the neighborhood and the internet was totally down for most of the evening. Not my fault. But here we are with post #2480. Let’s get back to Kurt Russell, okay? Okay!
Kurt began working with John Carpenter when he played Elvis in the 1979 made for TV movie, appropriately named, Elvis. I was surprised by how good this movie was….
December 22nd, 2018
If there were enough curse words to express how frustrating the past few days have been, I still don’t think it would be enough. First the internet, then the cable, and then the cell phones. Technical difficulties and slow uploads are keeping me from doing my normal thing, but I want to stay on track for episode 2500, so I’ll forgive myself if you’ll forgive me. This is basically all I can do for a post today so I’ll be back tomorrow with part 3 of the Kurt Russell experience. Ciao!
December 25th, 2018
Merry Christmas. I love you all.
December 30th, 2018
Happy New Year. I’ll be back as soon as I can.
January 2, 2019
Hello all you happy people. Sheesh! Here we are, let’s see, #2484. I hate to do it but I have to count the last few posts to keep us on schedule for the 2500th episode extravaganza. Now, it’s been annoying, but let me tell you that whatever maintenance they did at the back of the neighborhood has been worth it! My internet speed has more than tripled, there’s a whole slew of new channels on the TV, and I now have full bars on my cell where I used to have only two. So, I’ll forgive them for the interruptions. Before we get started, shout out to Katie242 and Chris679 for their Patreon support. Every little bit helps! And now on to the show…
…Our item of the day is a universal remote control in the shape of a wand from the Harry Potter universe! Fully programmable, you can turn your lights on and off, open and close your garage door, and activate Alexa with a simple flick of the wrist. I’ve been using it for days and it never gets old! Get yours today at the link below and we’ll see you tomorrow!
January 3, 2019
…Great show today, but I did want to shout out to Cecilia7 and SShadow2 on the blog. Great discussion there! And no, everything’s just fine. Life just happens and takes you off your schedule. Anyway, today’s item of the day is a USMC fighting and utility knife by Ka-Bar. Now, I’m no hunter, but I can imagine that peeling the skin from a still-steaming buck on a brisk winter morning would be pretty fun with a tool like this. Ten-inch blade, Kydex sheath, and made in the good old USA; many a man met his good and bloody end at the point of one of these babies. You remember that scene in Saving Private Ryan when the big German stabs Adam Goldberg through the heart? That was a Ka-Bar. Get yours today at the link below!
January 4, 2019
You ever just sit and wonder if anything you do is worth it at all? I know I do. Here I am in my 40’s, fat, bald, divorced, no kids, shitty job with an even shittier boss, and the only thing I hope for at the end of the day is to get a couple of acknowledgments from the internet. Just a few fucking crumbs. But it’s like pulling teeth to get even a few comments or shares. Do you know how much time it takes to make this show every day? Do you care? Probably not. Too busy scrolling to the next picture of some woman’s ass. Fuckers. Anyway, here’s the fucking show, for what it’s worth.
Note: Prior to this episode, Hal Sharkey had never used foul language of any kind on his show. In nearly ten years, he’d never even said ‘hell’ or ‘damn.’ He’s mentioned many times that in the sea of infinite crudeness, he was proud that his show could be enjoyed by anyone and everyone. 2486 marks a dramatic change to the tone and content of the podcast.
Item of the day is the Blue microphone by Yeti. Yes, you too can scream into the void with nobody to hear you but a few whiny-ass sycophants who only seem to want to bitch about what you’re not doing right. $139 at the link but you can probably find it cheaper on eBay where smarter people than I have decided to do something better with their time. Look at me! I’ve got an internet! Whee!
January 5, 2019
Episode 2487. 13 away from the end. The end? Maybe, I don’t know. I… I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting. I’ve been stressed and the, uh, holidays have not been kind. I think I might have caught a bug or something because I’ve basically been feeling tired and useless and I can’t seem to shake it. I’ll do my best to push through if you’ll just bear with me. I really do care about you guys. I mean it.
Anyway, we got off track a little bit so I’m going to skip ahead to Big Trouble in Little China. Classic movie. One of my favorites. The way that Snake takes out all those magic Chinamen was just plain artful…Moving on to Overboard. Why would the guy from the Thing be in such a shitty movie? I’da called up my agent and told him to go fuck himself for sending me a script like that. Guess he got to plow Goldie between takes, though, so it probably wasn’t all bad.
Did you know that a cockroach can live without its head for a really long time? I caught this one the other day and popped its head off with a pair of nail clippers. I put it in a jar on my desk and the little bastard’s still running around. Tango and Cash was underrated but nobody’s seen it so I won’t bother. Tombstone is worth its own show so we’ll stop there.
Today’s item of the day is the world’s fastest internet brought to you by NorCom. Bringing you the best in post 5G speed tests, click the link to have a NorCom node installed in YOUR neighborhood. NorCom is the ONLY independent service provider that guarantees speeds over 70% faster than the competition without a contract! That’s NorCom!!!
Note: Episodes 2488-2490 were normal. The Tombstone episode in particular was extra-long and full of love and humor. Those have been left out.
January 10, 2019
Episode 2491. Ten more to go! Slaughter them all! Slaughter all of them. Headless roach is still alive. Can’t eat but doesn’t seem to mind. I planted a garden once. It got destroyed by pestilence. Pestilence. Pests. Little fucking bugs. Know what I did? Turned it all into the dirt and let my dog shit on it. Stupid Earth, always making everything so goddamned difficult. I should have kept the head. I wonder if I could reattach it. Would it be thankful? Would it give me a like or a share? Oh, Jesus, what is wrong with me? The furious circles. The furious circles. The furious circles. Sounds like a good name for a band. The furious circles. Stupid. Why would a circle be furious? Circles don’t have heads to lose. I watched another Jack Russell movie but it didn’t sink in. Just sat there watching the pretty lights flicker all around and the furious circles circling furiously. Did you hear that? My neighbor must have seen the furious circles too. Blew his own dumbass head clean off his shoulders. Said it wasn’t enough. What’s not enough, Rambo? Ooh! Ooh! Rambo! When I clean the, um, when the headless cockroach stops moving, we’ll do a thing about Rambo. I’ve been reading your emails, and for the last time, I’m FINE! Just something in the water. Maybe.
Today’s item of the day is something everybody needs in this day and age: Body Armor. This set arrived on my doorstep a couple of days ago and I haven’t taken it off. Spec sheet says it’s the top-end of light plate, Kevlar, and an experimental fiber that they can’t discuss. You know that guy who shot up the auditorium in, uh, was it, uh, Russia? Or was it Belgium? I don’t remember. Maybe Spain? But that’s why it took so many shots to take him down, anyway. He had on a set of these babies. Not that I endorse shooting anything up; not even a little. But when THEY start shooting, you’ll be safe enough, I suppose. Now, there isn’t a link for this. You have to follow these instructions. I’ve edited the show notes for episode 229. There you will find a link that will take you to a document. Copy the text, then close your browser and open a new one and paste the text. This special promotion, for limited time, uh, the suit is free. Just claim it and it’s yours. This fucking cockroach is fascinating.
January 15, 2019
Welcome to episode 2492 of the Hal’s Everything show. I’m Hal, your host and, um…
Note: There is about 45 seconds of silence here.
…they sent me a gun. Two guns, actually. They were a box on my porch. The digital doorbell camera I endorsed in Episode 1966 did not see who dropped off the package. One of em’s a pistol and the other one looks like something out of an alien movie. And bullets.
And, ah… Wyatt died.
I, uh. I don’t know. I don’t know. Two more neighbors have killed themselves and my head hurts really bad. The furious circles are… They… They said they’d take it from here. It was in the box. Where they said that. “Thanks Hal, we’ll take it from here.” That’s what it said.
The internet is so fast now! And I started to wonder if that’s where they came from. That’s when all this started, I guess. That was when Kurt Russell was Santa Claus, if I remember right. That night I had a nosebleed and then masturbated to a bunch of old pictures of Goldie Hawn from back in the 80’s. I remember getting blood on my shirt and thinking how embarrassing and then, no, Goldie from 35 years ago can’t see me; doesn’t care about my shirt. Couldn’t care about my shirt. But I was embarrassed anyway and, and, and…
Wyatt… That’s uh, what I named my roach… He um, he stopped moving yesterday. Just stopped. Ah, so, I, I did what anyone with furious circles would do—I dug through the trash until I found his head. I had to, you know? I had to do SOMETHING. Had to try. You see, Wyatt Earp is my friend. And I’m Doc Holliday. Holliday. HALLIDAY*. We stick together, you know? So, I dug until I found his head, I think. And I glued it back on.*
Well, first, I just sort of held it there, you know? I thought that maybe the circuitry would just reattach itself and that Wyatt would wake up. But then I got the glue and I glued it back on and I sat and waited and waited but he never… He never moved. So, I did the only thing I could think of, you know? I took that stupid head off of him; he just didn’t look right with it on, and then I said a little prayer and then ate him. Chewed him up real good and swallowed.
Now Wyatt’s part of me and no matter what– no head, no glue, and no furious circles can ever take him from me. Because now he’s safe inside my suit of armor.
But it still makes me sad.
“Thanks, Hal, we’ll take it from here.”
I don’t know what that means. Three dead neighbors in seven days is a lot but I don’t think Wyatt will let me become one of them. I’m sitting here now, though, and I think I have a plan. Wyatt and I have a plan. I’m taking all the bullets and putting them into the clips. When the furious circles come, me and Wyatt will be ready. Um, that’s it for tonight. Maybe we’ll be back tomorrow. Maybe not. Depends on the furious circles. The furious circles. The furious circles…