01 Feb Phobias are Shaped Like Little Green Pills – Dromophobia
Dromophobia – The second phobia I experienced. Basically, I was too scared to cross the street. I feel like this is something that is going to stick with me even though the drug has already worn off.
Again, Hayong here. I’m not going to introduce myself again, you can see it all on the previous post anyways. Yesterday, my father passed away, and a comment stuck out to me. It asked me why I acted so nonchalant about my dad dying, but to be completely honest, I’m still in a state of shock. How would you feel if you just experienced absolute fear for the first time. I was not myself, and even when I took the second pill this morning, it felt like something else was making me take the pill.
I want to tell you a memory I had when I was a child before showing you my log from the next phobia.
When I was twelve, I started to go through a rebellious phase. I would refuse to do my homework, I would lash back at my mother when she would yell at me, and homework was the last priority on my list. My mother would lose her temper sometimes and take me to a dead-end street and grab the soft parts of my body and pinch as hard as she could. Yes, it left bruises, but they were in places people wouldn’t be able to see. I know, it’s abuse, but hell, I don’t blame her. My father went to Korea constantly leaving us behind, and even with the money he would send us, we would barely scrape by month after month. Sorry, got off track a little bit.
I want to tell you why my mother stopped taking me to the dead-end street. She was in the middle of yelling and pinching when we both noticed a man standing behind our car. He looked visibly upset, and my mother quickly straightened herself out and started the engine. She tried backing out of the street when the man ran back to his car and blocked us in. A kid about my age was sitting on the passenger side. The man ran back out of his car and up to my mother’s window. She didn’t even look up at him. I remember being absolutely scared. Although my mother wasn’t the best person in the world, I still loved her and I didn’t want to lose her. I looked back up at the man and noticed his son was standing behind him with the barrel of the hunting rifle placed on the back of his head. Before I could yell anything out, the window was covered with gore. Bits of skull, skin, and brain matter slowly slid down and I threw up in the car.
The kid never ended up going to jail for it. He ended up going to some psychiatric ward. Funny, how memories that I tried to hold down for so long start coming up at the most inconvenient times. I never liked streets after that, and this drug made it even worse.
08:12 – I took the pill as soon as I woke up. I have my alarm set at 8:15 but I always end up waking up a couple of minutes earlier. Still don’t know how I should feel about my father’s death, honestly, one part of me feels like I will never really feel sad about him dying.
08:45 – Huh, I don’t really feel like this pill did anything. I need to pick some stuff up from the store, also, I guess I should go ahead and let my manager know that I need to use the rest of my sick days. I think I have 3 left?
09:12 – Well, the good news is, I figured out what I’m afraid of now. As soon as I walked out of my house and got ready to cross the street an old memory hit me like a tsunami. I’ll tell you what the memory is somewhere on this post. Maybe near the beginning. I still tried taking a step on the street, but as soon as I did, I saw blood everywhere. In the grass, in the streets, on my body, I couldn’t do it. I just ran back inside.
12:48 – I ate some lunch and went into the living room. While I was sitting on the couch, I looked out the window and saw the neighbor from across the street, Ben, walk out of his house. He gave me a wave, but I noticed he was coming over to my house to talk with me. Without a second thought, I ran out of my house and asked him what he wanted. He wanted to pay me back the 20 bucks I loaned him last week. I tried telling him it was okay, but with the bill in his hand, he walked half-way across the street. Suddenly, a loud rumble filled the street, and before I could open my mouth, Ben’s body was obliterated by a speeding truck. I wanted to rush out and see if he was alive, but my body wouldn’t let me. Defeated, I walked back into the house and sat on my couch.
14:12 – I got a call from Max. It was a private number. He only said one thing. “Face the fear, and you have a chance to save lives. If you let the fear take over you, there is a chance that the phobia may never leave.” I managed to squeak out, “okay” before he hung up the phone.
16:28 – I walked on the sidewalk until I got to the other side of the convenience store. I waited for the light to turn green and managed to walk three steps before it felt like I was about to die. Sweat started to drip down my face, my hands started to shake, and my stomach felt like it was ripping out of my midsection. Two guys walked up to me and asked me if I was okay, but I just turned around and walked back onto the sidewalk. I heard screaming coming from behind me, and I quickly turned around and saw one of the guys had a pocket knife in his hand. I didn’t want to watch, but it was the strangest thing. The other guy stopped screaming and slowly walked into the knife. It slowly plunged into his chest, and once the knife was all the way in, he just stepped back out and repeatedly walked into the knife. Around the seventh time, he fell to the ground and remained still. The man holding the knife walked across the street with a blank look on his face and kept walking.
19:07 – I don’t know. I just want this to stop. I don’t know what these pills are, but they have to be the thing causing all of this fucked up shit to happen. I’m taking a bath now, it was hard to get in the bath today. Thoughts of my father’s cracked opened skull keep intruding my mind and I feel like I’m close to giving up, but I know I can’t. I’ve gone too far after taking the first pill. I need to figure out why the fuck people are dying whenever I take these pills. I need to figure out who Max really is.
20:48 – I tried driving, but no. I can’t. It started off with me being afraid of crossing the street, but it’s so much more now. I’m scared of being outside. I’m scared of talking to anyone. I don’t want to see anyone else die.
22:51 – Getting sleepy. Going to bed. Hopefully Max will call me tomorrow and I can try to get some more info out of him. Fuck. Everything seems fake now. Even the thought of having to go to work makes me feel sick to my stomach.
07:34 – Woke up a little extra early today. Checked my phone, but there wasn’t any missed calls or messages. I tried eating breakfast, but I accidentally looked out the window and immediately felt sick. Closing all the curtains now, and waiting till this shit passes.
9:24 – It’s been over 24 hours, but I don’t feel any better. I tried looking out the window, but I couldn’t convince myself to open my eyes. I didn’t want to risk seeing anyone. Max called. He was a little less pleasant this time.
Max: ”I’m sure by now you have realized you’re pretty much screwed right? I mean, you could stop taking the pills, but then you would be losing the only tool to save people’s lives. You may be living in fear, but if you stopped being such a little pussy and pushed through the fear, you would be able to do something about it. Instead, you’re just letting people die. If you ran across the street to your neighbor, neither of you would have died. If you just walked with the two men, you could have stopped the man from killing himself.
Me: ”Can’t you just tell me what is going to happen instead? I can’t keep living like this. The fears aren’t even going away. I can’t leave my house, I can’t look outside, and I’m too scared to even look at anyone. Why can’t you just help”
Max: ”I’m going to cut you off right there. What makes you think I want to help? Like I said, I’m just researching. I just thought if you had even a speck of courage inside of you, you would have been able to save a lot of lives already, but it really is entertaining to watch you squirm in pain as you see people dying left and right. Haaaaa. Save ‘em, let ‘em die. It’s all the same to me. Just try to keep your sanity.”
He hung up after that.
I still don’t know what the fuck is going on, and I just feel like no one else does either. In the off chance that you possibly know what is going on, please send me a message. I really do need all of the help I can get. I really do appreciate all of the suggestions in the comments on the previous post, and I hope you guys continue to help me.
Max, if you’re reading this. Fuck You.