01 Feb Sweet Home Transylvania: I Banged a Werewolf PART 3
About an hour later I found myself standing in the middle of a field, me and Teagan propped up against each other for balance, while her mom paced circles around us. I had tried to talk her out of this and wait until we were in a little better shape, but she was having none of it.
“You will both begin learning how to transform tonight.” She said from behind us.
“Come on. Isn’t this kinda rushi-… Wait. BOTH?! Has Teagan never done this before either!” I croaked.
“No. When she heard how bad it hurts she decided she didn’t want to. But now, with the ones who are already changed weakened, we need to teach you two.”
“Oh come on is this really n-… Wait. Hey where are they?” I asked, suddenly having a thought.
“Where are who?”
“The werewolves. You know, the wolf…y ones. I think I just had an idea.”
“We have them resting in that trailer over there.” She pointed.
“Ok follow me for a second!” I order, wobbling in the direction of the trailer. Once I got there I stumbled through the door and over to one of the furry masses and started to comb through their hair. After searching for several minutes I found what I was looking for. A small metallic glint barely visible on a patch of skin and few strands of fur.
“Look guys. You see that? What’s that look like to you?” I asked them.
“Paint? Maybe?” Teagan answered.
“Nah… I think that’s mercury. I’d bet on it. I think I know where the silver myth comes from and I think Michelle pumped them full of a heavy dose of mercury… Ok… Yeah, I think I have an idea. Here, give this bank card to someone and tell them to buy every single old timey thermometer they can find. I mean every last one in this village and the next. And then bring them back here. OH! And as many of those big turkey syringes they can find. And gloves. Big industrial rubber gloves.” I instructed as I reached into my wallet and pulled out the plastic card.
“And what are you going to do?” Teagan’s mom asked as she took the card from my hand.
“I guess I’m going to figure out this being a werewolf thing…”
“YOU KEEP SAYING THAT BUT IT’S NOT HELPING!!” I shouted after the second day in a row of Teagan’s mom hounding me. “You can say feel the change a million times but I still don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!”
“THAT’S BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME!”
“WOULD YOU BOTH BEING QUIET?!” Teagan yelled over us as she flexed and curled her fingers. “I think I am getting onto something.” She added as I noticed her hand start to darken and her fingernails began to rise and peel away from the skin.
“Oh my god are the claws coming out from under her fingernails?! YOU DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT! Why do they do that?! That’s so fucked up! Um… hey Teagan’s mom… I’m kinda starting to have second thoughts here…” I complained.
But she just swatted me in the back of the head and told me to be quiet. Then we stood there and watched Teagan struggle to extend the claws out of her fingers.
“Um… It might be a little late to ask, but once we figure out the change to part… What about the change back part?” I asked nervously.
“We cross the bridge when we get to it.” Teagan’s mom answered.
“There is a bridge now?” Teagan called over form where she was still working on her claws. “What has a bridge to do with this?”
“… She’s your daughter.” I said to her mom who was just shaking her head in disappointment.
“Hey, Teag, it’s just an expression. There’s no bridge. Just keep working on your fingering. I mean… no wait. That didn’t come out r-… Keep doing what you’re doing sweetheart.” I reassured her. “Ok, now can you please try to explain this to me… PLEASE?”
A few days later I was starting to get the hang of it. But as I did I learned a few… unpleasant truths about the process. First, that my god damn bones break themselves apart and fill in the empty spaces over and over like… really freaking fast, and don’t get me started on how changing back works… The movies and books really dropped the ball on that one.
The stack of old thermometers kept getting larger every day but we still hadn’t been able to figure out where the big bad wolf was hiding out. “Do we even know where we’re supposed to be looking?” I asked as I finished destroying the toilet later that night.
“You smell like something crawled inside of you and died…” Teagan’s mom half gagged as I walked out.
“You’re the one who keeps stuffing me full of food to change with. It’s not my fault your weird Romanian food turns to pure hate inside me.” I said as Teagan walked past me to take her turn in the bathroom, her almost completely transformed arms nearly dragging across the floor. “Ok that looks REALLY weird from the outside.”
About the time I finished my sentence someone slung the door open and stuck their head inside… which he immediately regretted judging by the look on his face. Once he managed to recover he looked toward Teagan’s mom and said something in Romanian. When she hear what he said she stood up and said, “We might know the area he’s hiding. He said that someone saw that carriage woman on the other side of town but they don’t know where she was leaving or going to.”
“Well that’s something right? I mean at least there haven’t been any giant werewolf sightings yet.” I replied.
“Yes. We knew it would take him some time to recover, so for that we are very lucky.” She said.
“Um…” The man sticking his head through the door started before saying something in Romanian.
“Yes I know it is bad. You may go now. WAIT… Leave the door open.” She told him as he left.
“So… What exactly makes this guy so bad? I never got the whole story.” I asked.
“He is, what is the word… What you call a psychopath. He enjoys seeing things suffer, and”
“When you can turn into a giant wolf monster that can heal in an instant that’s not a great mix?” I finished for her.
“More or less, that is right. And he will very likely want to take revenge on the people who have been holding him captive all these centuries. Which is probably the only reason he would stay in the area. It would be almost impossible to find him if he were to leave.” She explained.
“So… you’re all basically standing around acting like bait for this guy?”
“I am not standing!” Teagan shouted from the bathroom.
“I didn’t mean literally standing!” I called back. “Everything ok in there?!”
“I do not want to talking about it!”
After a few more days Teagan’s mom had determined that me and Teagan could make the full change once we needed to. But her mom had explained that we would need a ridiculous amount of food inside us to make a full change. Apparently experienced werewolves can start changing and take in more food as they go. Like the one we were after, unfortunately enough. But from what I heard, it sounds like some kind of super metabolism.
But it starts to get really silly when you realize what it means if you can’t do that and have to pack in enough food to instantly grow from 5 foot something to over 7 feet with a build like Mr. Olympia. Ever seen Willy Wonka? Yeah, again… much less visually aesthetic than the movies.
So after learning that I’ll have to basically be stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey I brought everyone to the now sizable pile of old thermometers and had Teagan’s mom help explain the plan to everyone. Which if you haven’t figured it out yourself already, was to use the mercury from the thermometers in the giant syringes to basically baste big bag into a coma until they can figure out what to do with him. The problems were in finding him and literally everything between that and him being unconscious. From what Teagan’s mom told me it had taken a small army to catch him the first time and well… we barely had a small gang at the time. So none of us were looking forward to what came next.
Tensions started to rise after we were told that we were running out of time until he would have recovered. Everyone was freaking out and had their noses to the grind stone trying to figure out this insane game of hide and seek. And just as we started to get desperate we got lucky. I think… Me and Teagan were both passed out on the couch after a night of prowling around the village when her mom practically kicked the door in.
“Someone has seen the carriage woman in town buying a lot of meat!” She shouted into the room.
“M… Mmm… Get back here and I breaking your legs.” Teagan mumbled as she woke up.
“What the hell do you dream about?… And what about meat?” I asked her mom.
“The woman has been seen buying piles of meat in town but we lost her.” She answered.
“So we have an idea where to look now?”
“Come back with my coconut…”
“Teag… Baby… Wake up. You’re chasing coconuts. Get your head in the game.” I said, shaking her awake as carefully as possible. She tends to come up swinging sometimes.
“Hmm? What game we are playing?” She mumbled, wiping her eyes.
“You’re adorable… But it’s time to get up. We have to go look for the bad guys again.” I told her as she woke up. “We know where to look this time.” I added when I saw the agitated look on her face.
“Where is this place?” She asked.
“The market on the far side of town. If we wait long enough we will likely see her again. And then we can follow her back to him.” Her mom explained.
“OH! Is this a stake out?! Are we doing a stake out?!” I blurted out.
“Oh my god this is taking forever…” I complained after sitting on the rooftop of a building across the street from the deli for most of the day.
“Hush. You were the one who was excited about this earlier.”
“I didn’t know it would take this long…”
“Be quiet. I already told you how serious this is. If she is taking meat to him then he is likely already changing. If this is true he will be much harder to deal with now.” She hissed at me under her breath.
“I think I am seeing her.” Teagan suddenly said, causing us both to look down to the deli.
And there she was, looking back and forth as she tiptoed into the building. We all shifted in place as the situation set in. Once we collected ourselves we rushed down stairs and got ready to follow her. A few minutes later she finally walked back out. And I don’t know if you’ve ever tailed anyone before… but it’s really effing hard. Turns out not being seen by one person makes you look really god damn weird to everyone else…
We followed her for about a mile before she rounded a corner just ahead of us. “She’s just up ahead.” I told them as I tried to speed up to keep from losing her. But before I could reach the corner a crazy strong gust of wind blew threw the alley and almost knocked me over. By the time I was able to turn the corner she was already gone.
“WHAT THE HELL SHE WAS RIGHT THERE!” I groaned as I looked down the empty street.
“You said this woman drives a wagon around yes?” Teagan’s mom asked as she pulled out an old book and sat it on the table in her home.
“Yeah… Old black wagon, horses and everything.”
“Mhmm…” She mumbled to herself as she flipped through the book page by page.
“I uhh… Is this like a book about monsters or something?” I asked.
“So you just have an old book of monsters sitting around?”
“Of course. Do you not?” She asked back.
“Maybe… but not one this ol-“
“AH HERE IT IS!” She suddenly shouted, almost causing me to almost fall out of my chair.
“Jesus what?! What’s here?!” I croaked.
“This woman is probably a vantoase. An evil wind spirit that travels by wagon.”
“Oh of course… Why wouldn’t everything suddenly get twice as weird. I’ve been carted around by a demon this whole time.” I sighed. “This place is ridiculous.”
“Look here!” Teagan’s mom told me, turning my head to look at the book. “You too Teagan! This might help. It is said they live in lakes and in the woods… So-“
“So we can rule out lakes because Big Bad probably isn’t handing out at the bottom of a pond?”
“Exactly. So we must search the woods near the place she vanished first.” She declared as she whipped out a map. “Go, go get everyone together now and meet me out front.”
So me and Teagan take off and start rounding up every changed werewolf we could find, or the Woofwaffe as I had started to call them. Cause you know, nothing lightens the mood like a Nazi pun… Anyway, after we had collected the gang of werewolves together(yes I realize how that sounds and somehow it’s still not the weirdest thing going on), we all met up where Teagan’s mom told us to.
“When we got there she aleady had the basting syringes and salvaged mercury ready. “Here, help me fill them.” She instructed, handing me a pair of the rubber gloves. “You are sure this will work?” She asked as I took them.
“Uh… I have no idea. I’m shooting in the dark here.”
Then she stopped and starred at me for a second in silence. “You what?”
“Hey if you have a better idea I’m waiting to hear it. Personally I’d rather not have to get close enough to that thing and get ripped in half like a phone book and then try to jab the bastard with a turkey baster, but I’m trying ok?”
Taking a deep breath, Teaan’s mom spoke again, “… We need to get you ready. Go with Teagan.” And with that she turned and began speaking to someone else in Romanian.
“Come with me.” Teagan said, taking me by the wrist and leading me to another trailer.
“What are we doing now?” I asked as she pulled me along.
“Everyone who can change into wolf will. “
“Ohhh… So food?” I asked again.
“This is right. But you and me will change later. We will search near the boarder of the town first. It is easier to do this in human form-“
“Instead of as 7′ foot wolves?” I finished for her.
I grossly underestimated the amount of food I’d have to put in my body… Let me just say, for the record, that Kyle Hill would be very happy to know that to turn from a 170 something pound person to a 400lb werewolf… even with the crazy werewolf metabolism, you still need more than 230lbs of food inside you which is not an easy thing to do in a hurry, because science.
Why is this important you might ask? Wait for it… Just wait for it…
So there I was, next to Teagan, waddling through the streets of Romania, parts of me rubbing against other parts of me they’ve never rubbed against before. “Teag… Teagan I can’t breathe… TEAGAN WAIT I CAN’T BREATHE YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR ME!” I begged though my abnormally puffy cheeks.
She stopped and rocked herself to face my direction. “I am beginning to thinking this is not so as inconspicuous as I originally thinking…” She admitted, looking at my John Pinette-esque figure struggling to stay upright. She was having a lot easier time holding her body up than I was, and that was when we both realized that it was because of her unusual strength.
“Teag… I need to tell you something really important… Come closer…” I wheezed.
“What is the matter?” She asked, leaning in towards me.
“Teagan… Teagan, it’s my stomach. If I fart right now it’s gonna go off like a land mine. Whole street’s gonna wake up.”
“You are gross!” She half scolded half laughed as she slapped me in the arm.
“Hell of a honeymoon isn’t it?” I joked as she helped me stand up and start back down the street.
“Oh yeah… We are married are we not? I almost forget because of evrything.” She thought out loud as we continued our waddle together.
After a while we could finally see the woods in the distance. We decided on taking a quick rest since I was on the verge of passing out. Teagan helped me lower myself down onto a bench, which after a moment I noticed the bent street sign. I had just realized where we were.
“Son… of a… bitch…” I huffed. “Are we… outside the inn?” I asked. I had been living in Teagan’s caravan since I left for the bait and switch wedding that day. “Hey… Teag… I think… I just-” I started to say but a loud crash and a sharp scream broke the silence.
We both jumped up off the bench and sprinted towards the diretion of the scream… kinda. “You go ahead and look around! I will go ahead and change in this alley!” Teagan shouted but behind me as she bounced her way in between two shops.
“Oh my god Teag! Teag get back here! I’m already freaking out and you’re going to tell me to just charge in by myself?!… TEAGAN! DAMN IT!” I hissed after her. But she didn’t answer, so after a few seconds I started to slowly shuffle towards the sound. Before long I noticed a gigantic hole in the side of a home near the woods. “Ohhh… boy… Don’t worry Milo you’re just a 400lb marshmallow investigating a blood curdling scream in the middle of Dracula’s back yard with an evil werewolf running loose… What could possibly happen?”
I tiptoed as best I could through the yawning opening in the house and into the dark ruin just on the other side. I could feel an awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and it got worse each slow, shaky step I took. I could feel my breath shorten as I inched closer to the stairs. And just as I raised my foot to take the first step… I heard the sound of crunching glass behind me.
By the time I could spin around something had already wrapped around my neck. I felt my feet lift off the ground and my back slam against the wall. There was gust of hot air as an earsplitting roar shook the house. My ears still ringing, the monster lowered his head down to my face.
“Uggg grandma, what bad breath you have… Is that blood? That’s blood isn’t?” I groaned, my new chins almost covering my bottom lip as the thing’s hand squeezed my throat. In the faint light I could see a thick red fluid dripping from his snout. Then the nightmarish realization of what had happened in the home just before I got there danced through my mind.
“Small world, am I right?” Michelle’s voice spoke from beside me. “Have you gained a little weight?”
“Well you know it’s been kinda hard to get to the gym lately.” I coughed. “So I had a thought before KAH, KAH! Before you’re home invasion. You were using me from the start weren’t you?”
“Well aren’t you a cleaver little cub. Drop him big guy.” She told the beast who let me crumple to the floor. “Yes, yes I was. I’ve been funneling idiots like you into that pub ever since I caught on to that woman’s little secrect. Do you know what it’s like spending five years trying to get a woman laid? I knew if I could get her to accidentally turn someone she’d have to take you back to their little base camp.”
“Yeah ok but why though?” I gasped from the rubble on the ground.
“Hmm. I guess it’s been so long I don’t exactly remember why. Something to do with… a plan I think…”
“Are… Are you serious? You really don’t remember?” I asked in astonishment.
“No you moron. I’m a vantoase. Sewing chaos and destruction is in my nature. And well… Look at him. He’s the walking manifestation of it.” She told me, gesturing at the behemoth looming over me.
“They grow up so fast don’t they?” I mocked, trying to rock myself off a piece of wood that was jammed into my ass check. Now able to get a good look I could see that he wasn’t as large as he was in the prison, but he was still bigger than all the other wolves in the village. “So what happens now?” I questioned.
“Once we get this guy back to full strength we’re going to go tear that little village and everyone in it to pieces. Then move on to bigger and better things I suppose. Why so curious?”
“Same reason Hitler killed himself.”
“STALLIN’!!” I yelled as I jammed the baster into the monster’s thigh and emptied the mercury into it. I dove to one side as Teagan, finally a full sized werewolf, lunged into the house from the outside, drilling him in the back and sending him crashing into the far wall almost knocking it down. “YES!! THAT’S MY WIFE!” I shouted before coming to senses. “Ooo… Oooooo…” I whimpered as I tried to scuttle away from the melee behind me as Teagan and Big Bag rolled across the floor tearing the house apart.
But I didn’t get too far before I felt a sharp pain in my back… right before my legs went numb. I turned to look over my shoulder to see the monster’s claws imbedded deep into my spine. I screamed in agony as Teagan jumped back on top of him causing the talons to be ripped from my back. I struggled to drag myself into a far room as I felt the separated vertebrae trying to reconnect and repair themselves.
“Wow… that’s a lot of damage…” I managed to cough as I pulled myself around the corner into the kitchen. “Ok… Just remember what that mean old hag told you…” I gasped to myself as I fought for air. Slowly I closed my eyes and tried to focus. After a few seconds I could start to feel it happen… and it wasn’t great. Imagine having you’re whole body torn apart and going “Ok, more of that then. Let’s keep it going.” It was unimaginably difficult, but the sound of Teagan’s struggle in the background kept me motivated.
I knew I was almost there once I felt the nails being lifted and torn off my fingers and toes as the bone stretched out into long, pointed claws. Finally I stood, wobbling on my new legs. (it’s really weird standing on legs with an extra bend in them when you never have before) Once I was able to stabilize myself I crept around the corner where the squall was still raging and got a good eye on Big Bad. Once I had a clean shot I made my move.
I went much, much faster than I ever expected and the next thing I new I was outside awkwardly picking myself off the cobble stone street. Apparently I dove straight through the far wall. I looked back to see three heads looking over the rubble where the wall used to be, all starring at me in confusion. “I’m not used to this ok!” I tried to shout at them, but it just came out as some kind of weird whining, wheezing noise. “Oh right… Can’t talk like this.” I thought to myself. Teagan just shook her head in disappointment before the brawl started back up, but only for a second before she was launched through the hole herself and out in the street next to me.
As she got back to her feet she held up her own syringe, now empty. We both turned to see him shaking his head, the metal now taking a noticeable effect. “What the?… YOU LITTLE SHIT! You figured out the mercury didn’t you?!” Michelle growled at me as I grinned back at her and shrugged my shoulders. “Are you going to be ok? We need to get out of here. That’s too much in your body. You’re not big enough y-“
But her voice was cut short as he lunged at her, knocking her down behind the crumbling wall. We heard a few moments of horrible screaming and agonizing wailing then… silence again. After a few moments he stood back up, a single arm hanging from his jaws.
I turned slowly towards Teagan as if to ask “What happens when a werewolf eats another supernatural being?” And the look she gave me said, very clearly “Run.” So we both took off in a panic down the street. In the distance we could here him tearing himself out of the desolated home and begin to follow. Teagan was starting to break away since I still wasn’t used to the new legs, occasionally tripping over myself as I ran.
As we ran I could hear the the massive creature getting closer and closer and closer. And then… we hit a dead end. Brick and stone on all sides. We literally ran straight in between a rock and a hard place. We both turned, Teagan MUCH more ready to fight than me, who, even though aware of my new durability, was still very well aware that shit still hurts. “Oh hell… I guess let’s do this then…” I thought to myself as he began to creep towards us with a deep snarl, raking his claws across the stone walls ripping deep gashes down them.
There he was, baring down on us both, already much bigger than before. I felt by body start to tighten as Teagan began to lower herself to charge forward. And then… he looked up. Curious to what he found so important at a time like that, I looked up to.
If you had told me when I boarded the plane to come to Romania that the most relief I’d ever feel in my life would be realizing I was surrounded by werewolves I’d think you’d lost your mind, But there they were, all around us on the roofs, large turkey basters full of mercury in their hands. And all at once they pounced causing a chaos like you’ve never heard. Just a moment before I would have thought that would have been enough, but after a few moments it was starting to look like he was getting the upper hand, the occasional wolf being thrown out of the pile with a chunk missing from it.
I tried to shout and tell them that he was taking bites out to get bigger and stronger, but again all that came out was the same wheezing noise from before. Before long Big Bad was basically winning, and the neighbors were probably freaking the absolute fuck out too, but the bad guy winning thing was probably the bigger issue.
Noticing a few of the syringes laying on the ground, I ran and picked them up, handing Teagan a few and nodding my head in the direction of the brawl. We both took our chance as soon as he was distracted, his jaws clamped down on my neck as I dove for him. I heard a sharp whine as he caught Teagan’s head in one of his massive clawed hands and began to try to crush her skull in his grip. Luckily I was able to sink two of the syringes into his back, but I didn’t have time to see what happened after wards. I felt the set of jaws tighten, squeezing down on my throat with unimaginable force.
Then the world was gone.
I snapped back to consciousness as I was being carried back though the trail into the small village. They took me into Teagan’s house and laid me down next to where she was curled up waiting. I rolled over and rested my head on her still fur covered shoulder. I chuckled to myself as I though, “Hey look, puppy love.”
We both decided not to turn back for a few days so we could take the chance to get used to the different anatomy, and we spent that time communicating through really big markers and note pads. And for those sick few of you who are going to ask… The answer is yes, and we will never mention it again.
I was told that once I got Big Bad with my turkey basters that let Teagan get hers straight into his heart. That one seemed to finally put him down and out and he was being given a constant dose of more mercury to keep him that way until they were able to get the guy who originally built the prison to come back and fix the situation. Who and how… I have no idea. But they seemed to have figured it out somehow. I didn’t see the guy when he was there, but the crazy son of bitch really did it.
He got Big Bad back inside with the chains and everything. I decided to just let it go. I was sick of keeping up with all the insanity all the impossible shit that was going on around that crazy place.
“I have an idea…” I told Teagan a few days later as I walked up to her.
“What is this idea?” She asked.
“So I was thinking that, you know… Maybe I kinda like the idea of being married to you. But um… I wanted to ask if you uh…”
“You are wanting to know if I want to be married to you?” She helped me.
“Yeah, more or less.”
Then she reached her arms out and gave me a hug, pulling me close to her. “You are annoying and weird and ridiculous and I don’t understand any of the references to make and you accidentally helped let an evil werewolf out of his prison.”
“But I love you. You are good person and I like… what’s the word… Tormenting you?” She said. “So yes, I am happy being married to you.”
“Ok… Good. So I was thinking about another thing…”
Two weeks later I had rented out the Vlad Tepes castle and we were having a real, non shotgun wedding that also wasn’t interrupted by an evil wind spirit. Which is generally considered a good thing. The day before we both had bands tattooed on our ring fingers. The idea being that if we had to change in a hurry for whatever reason we didn’t have a metal band wrapped around a fast swelling finger, which would hurt… bad.
So me and Teagan, having met only a little more than a month before, where now both standing at the alter, getting married in Dracula’s castle. I even had my mom flown in, along with my first addition copy of Bram Stokers’s Dracula which we used in place of a Bible, and an ordained Dudist Priest from the First International Church of The Dude to marry us. It’s a real thing. Look it up.
So yeah… That’s how my trip to Romania went. Met an evil wind spirit, the evil wind spirit set me up with a girl in a pub, the pub girl took my virginity and turned me into a werewolf (you know, that old chestnut), I accidentally led the evil spirit to like the most dangerous monster ever, and I got married… twice… in Dracula’s castle. Do I know how to vacation or what?
After all that me and Teagan decided to go back to America. She wanted to see my home and learn where I came from. And we also had this hilarious idea to turn into wolves and scare the absolute shit out of campers in the woods… Ah, good times, good times. Her mom also gave us that old book of hers. She said it might come in handy one day and we should get to know as much as we can about the different things that are out there.
Personally I think I’d make an awesome werewolf superhero, like Blade’s fur-sona or something. I haven’t decided yet. But I’m pretty sure it’s going to go one of two ways. Either the whole “With great power comes great responsibility!” routine, or “HI I’M JOHNNY KNOXVILLE!! WELCOME TO JACKASS!!”
Maybe you’ll hear about my exploits online one day. Who knows?