01 Feb To the Landlord: The stove is broken AGAIN & Demonic Hauntings are UNACCEPTABLE!
The following maintenance requests and complaints were found on the computer of one Mrs. Doris May, the landlord of the apartment building at 2618 Wayne Boulevard, following the thorough search of the building by the police.
Donald Fitzgerald – Unit 411
My wife and I moved here for the proximity to the subway and for the cheap rent. But we did NOT move here so we wouldn’t have a working stove. I do not plan on eating take out for the remainder of my tenure at this building. I demand maintenance come down at ONCE and fix this! Unacceptable!
And now the REFRIGERATOR isn’t working?! The refrigerator temperature should be at a nice, cool 34 degrees Fahrenheit but try as we might Patricia and I have been unable to get it below 36 degrees so now our MILK is spoiled, the CHEESE is molded, my YOGURT is inedible, and my BEERS are NOT chilled the way I’d like when I get home from a long day at work. Once again I demand a maintenance representative be here TOMORROW to fix this. And NOT the same man as last time. Jose was rude and did not even apologize for all of this inconvenience when we yelled at him.
It seems we can’t go a single day without finding something unacceptable about this building. At night time both Patricia and I hear a faint but constant thumping in the walls. What is that? I demand to know why we cannot get some peace and quiet.
If our WiFi drops out in the middle of Patricia’s stories ONE MORE TIME there will be HELL TO PAY. Get the ISP down here now to increase our speeds. This is insane.
It appears my previous DEMAND went unheeded. Last night the thumping was far worse. It sounds like a ghost is living in the walls. PATRICIA HATES GHOSTS. They are RUDE and UNINVITED and do NASTY THINGS like SLAM DOORS AND BREAK CHINA DISHES. GET A JOB, GHOSTS! Patricia can’t sleep in these conditions and I hereby demand an exorcist be brought to the premises to deal with this at once. AT ONCE!
The REFRIGERATOR IS ACTING UP AGAIN. I thought this was FIXED?!?!?! The expiration date on my milk says use by March 3 but it is NOT MARCH 3 YET AND ALREADY MY MILK IS STARTING TO SMELL. THE TEMPERATURE IS 36 DEGREES AND RISING. UNACCEPTABLE!!!!
So today I came home from work and go to hang up my coat and what did I find? A bouquet of flowers from the downstairs office thanking us for being DREAM TENANTS WHO ALWAYS PAY RENT ON TIME?!?!?!?!?! NO!!!! I FOUND A COLD SPOT BY THE BEDROOM DOOR. The air is of an ACCEPTABLE BUT NOT IDEAL temperature throughout our apartment. But by the door to our bedroom there is a COLD SPOT. This indicates the presence of a SPIRITUAL ENTITY and I do NOT pay $1800 a month to be HAUNTED in my OWN HOME! Unacceptable. I demand this be dealt with at once. AT!!! ONCE!!!!!
Thank you for fixing the stove but I did not appreciate how Jose made me feel stupid for not knowing about the pilot light feature. I expect he will be reprimanded appropriately.
Yesterday I had a run in with Paul Schummermann from down the hall. He was very rude to me when I asked him to stop staring at us venomously whenever we see him. Do you know what he did? He CONTINUED TO STARE AS IF HE WISHES HARM UPON ME. I demand to know what will be done about PAUL SCHUMMERMANN.
So apparently it is not just Paul Schummermann who is bizarre and RUDE. Rosa Martinez – the elderly foreign woman with maybe FIVE OR SIX REMAINING TEETH from FLOOR 3 – smiled at us in a VERY EVIL LOOKING WAY THAT I DID NOT APPRECIATE WHEN I WAS GETTING OUR MAIL! I demand to know what will be done about ROSA MARTINEZ.
I know I just submitted a request but it is 10:45 and Patricia is unable to sleep because of her nightmares. She says she can see a black figure standing at the end of our bed with red eyes. NOT OKAY. WAS SOMEONE MURDERED IN THIS UNIT? ANSWERS!
It is unacceptable that on JAMES MADISON’S BIRTHDAY we cannot get the heat to stay on. The temperature is at FORTY DEGREES. MUCH TOO COLD!! FIX THIS!
Still too cold! And do you mind explaining why all the pictures of Patricia and myself in our hallway were SMASHED AND BROKEN ON THE GROUND?!?!?! I am calling an exorcist since you refuse to do so and RENT WILL BE REDUCED BY THE COST OF HIS SERVICES.
We brought in a local priest who says that GUESS WHAT? ITS NOT A GHOST, ITS A DEMON. A DEMON INFESTS MY HUMBLE ABODE AS I WRITE THIS. Do you think this is an acceptable way to run an apartment?! NO! IT IS NOT!!! I asked what we can DO about the situation and he says we should LEAVE IMMEDIATELY because if we don’t the demon will LATCH ON TO US AND FOLLOW US AROUND. I AM NOT RELOCATING THIS SOON! I asked him to deal with it and he said he can’t, that its beyond his ability to fight and that we need to have the ENTIRE BUILDING FULLY BLESSED. He then scheduled a time tomorrow for he and several other priests, rabbis and pastors to arrive and do a thorough BLESSING OF THE BUILDING. YOU WILL BE BILLED FOR THIS.
Once again I cannot sleep. Patricia is sleepwalking YET AGAIN except instead of walking down the hall or SCREAMING while STILL ASLEEP from the KITCHEN, she is CRAWLING ON THE CEILING AND SHOUTING AT ME IN A VERY DEEP VOICE WHILE HER HEAD TWISTS FULLY AROUND LIKE AN OWL. I told her to get down at once and she said ‘NO. SHE IS MINE.’ Excuse me, DEMON! She is NOT! I HAVE WORK IN THE MORNING but what I do not have is PATIENCE FOR THIS NONSENSE. OH! And when I told the demon to let us sleep it said F me. F ME?!?! I DO NOT APPRECIATE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE! NO, SIR! Then she began hissing and SPITTING STEAMING BILE ONTO THE BED AND LAUGHING MANIACALLY. MY BLANKET IS RUINED!!! I am TYPING THIS ON MY LAPTOP FROM THE COUCH WHILE SHE SHOUTS BLASPHEMIES FROM DOWN THE HALL. If these priests do not fix this issue we will be reporting YOU for this mess.
Do you mind explaining to me why there are HERBS and TWIGS by my door beneath a sign of a pentagram? I expect this is the work of PAUL SCHUMMERMANN or ROSA MARTINEZ or that nasty DYLAN FRENCH FROM UNIT 221. You need to do a better job picking TENANTS FOR THIS ESTABLISHMENT.
So I come inside and Patricia is gone. Her absence was not arranged beforehand and I expect it has something to do with the demon. This is NOT OKAY. When I come home from work I expect to be able to relax in front of a game show with a beer while my wife knits. But that is NOT GOING TO BE THE CASE TODAY, APPARENTLY. There are scratched PENTAGRAMS all over the WALLS, BROKEN LAMPS, THE LIGHTS DON’T WORK, THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR IS HANGING OPEN, THUS RUINING YET MORE MILK! MORE! MILK! GONE! AND the entire apartment is FREEZING! I will be doing a thorough search through this building for my wife, updating you on ANY UNPLEASANTRIES I ENCOUNTER from my PHONE as NEEDED, and when I get back I expect Jose will have FIXED THE LIGHTS.
It appears these tenants knew I was coming. I am on floor three and they are all STANDING OUTSIDE THEIR HOMES watching me. SILENTLY. UNMOVING AS I WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY BETWEEN THEM. And I believe I smell MARIJUANA FROM THE GAY COUPLE’S HOME. MARIJUANA! AN ILLEGAL DRUG THAT KILLS MILLIONS EVERY YEAR. IN YOUR BUILDING! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. I WILL NOT HAVE THE DEVIL’S GANJA SO CLOSE TO MY ABODE!! IF THE POLICE CONDUCT A SWAT RAID LOOKING FOR MARIJUANA WE ALL GO TO FEDERAL PRISON! ALL OF US!!
I have decided I cannot abide the presence of such a terrifying drug as marijuana anywhere near my person, my wife, or my place of residence. I have alerted the authorities and they are en route. I apologize if a life sentence for you is inconvenient but I had no other choice.
So I asked sweet Mrs. Robinson from unit 334 where my wife was and she said the basement. THE BASEMENT?! I go down there for LAUNDRY, NOT MY WIFE. Also I hereby and henceforth demand that a WASHER/DRYER UNIT, PREFERABLY STACKED ALTHOUGH I AM WILLING TO NEGOTIATE ON THIS, BE PLACED IN OUR UNIT WHEN THIS UNFORTUNATE EPISODE IS CONCLUDED. I do not LIKE going into the basement with a BASKET of dirty laundry TWICE OR THREE TIMES A MONTH because I have to use the STAIRS because YOU can’t get your ELEVATOR WORKING.
WHY ARE THE LIGHTS OFF ON FLOOR 2?? AND WHERE ARE THE PRIESTS. ALL I SEE ARE MORE TENANTS POINTING IN UNISON DOWN THE STAIRS WHILE STARING AT ME LIKE THEY ARE IN A TRANCE. It smells like ROTTING CORPSES and OLD FOOD DOWN HERE. MAYBE OLD LASAGNA. This was NOT THE CASE when I left for work this morning although TOO BE FAIR I simply walked down the stairs and did not VENTURE down THIS HALLWAY. I also did not notice the arrows PAINTED IN BLOOD pointing downstairs. I assume those were put up while I was at work?!
To* be fair. My apologies.
Where is the front door?! I am on FLOOR ONE and the front door is MISSING? I JUST USED IT. Instead there is just a SWIRLING VORTEX of IMPENETRABLE BLACKNESS with BLOOD coming out of it and STAINING THE NICE CARPET. I expect this will be FIXED as I have WORK TOMORROW and need to be there EARLY so I can PREPARE for a PRESENTATION ON SALES REPORTS FROM QUARTER ONE! QUARTER!!! ONE!!!!!!!!!!
I have now reached the door to the basement. Why is the word ‘COME’ scratched repeatedly into the wood here? UNSIGHTLY.
I am at the top of the basement stairs. Did you know there are demonic voices WHISPERING TO PEOPLE DOWN HERE? Saying to COME DOWN STAIRS WITH US! JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US! Over and over again!! Why do they feel the need to REPEAT themselves?! This is INEFFICIENT!!!
The voices are now saying that the Gospel is a lie but I said NOTHING about the first four books of the New Testament. This is an IRRELEVANT RED HERRING and I demand we replace these demons with ones who can AT LEAST STAY ON TOPIC. I am here for my WIFE and NOT to debate the minutiae of Judeo-Christian theology with malevolent spiritual entities who, if I’m being perfectly honest, cannot be trusted on the matter because they CLEARLY have a vested interest in me feeling one way or another as far as this subject is concerned and are thus NOT BEING OBJECTIVE. If this keeps up then I will be taking my laundry to the LAUNDROMAT down on Block and Charter for the foreseeable future and YOU will lose out on my business in that department.
Well I now see where the PRIESTS have gone. Their bones are SCATTERED across the basement and their collective blood is swirling in a vortex around what appears to be a PORTAL TO HELL in the center of the basement, around which ALL THE TENANTS of the ground floor are seated and worshipping. I BELIEVE I SAID VERY CLEARLY THAT I DID NOT WANT HELL PORTALS IN MY PLACE OF RESIDENCE AND NO ONE SEEMED TO INDICATE THIS WOULD BE A PROBLEM WHEN I SIGNED THE LEASE. If I am EVER to use these washing and drying machines again I expect the gateway to Hades to be CLOSED and the place to be cleaned THOROUGHLY before I do so! The smell is TERRIBLE and I also demand that the GLOWING FIERY PENTAGRAM in the floor beneath the portal be DOUSED AND CLEANED OFF. IT IS DETRIMENTAL TO WHAT LITTLE DECOR THERE IS IN THIS BASEMENT.
Well all the tenants now SEE me but as of this typing HAVE YET TO RESPOND TO MY DEMANDS TO SEE MY WIFE. They are simply staring at me and I’m sorry, where are there eyes? Are eyes not FASHIONABLE anymore? HOW CAN THEY SEE ME IF THEY HAVE NO EYES? This is IMPOSSIBLE and I DEMAND they cease it at once. They have NO RESPECT for the rules of EITHER THIS APARTMENT OR PHYSICS ITSELF. This day is RUINED.
My wife, who is quite UNKEMPT and whose hair appears to be UNWASHED and who looks like she is possessed with Satan (UNACCEPTABLE!), has joined the group as they speak to me in UNISON. I’m sorry, WHEN WAS THERE A GROUP PRACTICE FOR THIS PERFORMANCE AND WHY WAS I NOT INVITED? It is quite RUDE to exclude members of your own apartment from such group ACTIVITIES as theater and LATIN CLASSES, APPARENTLY. And also, I assume this strange, deep voice they are singing in belongs to the TOWERING, HORNED BEAST THAT HAS STEPPED THROUGH THE PORTAL AND IS POINTING A CLAWED FINGER AT ME AND APPROACHING ME SLOWLY IN AN AGGRESSIVE MANNER THAT I DO. NOT. APPRECIATE.
Who is HE? Does he pay RENT?! Do you let just ANYONE ENTER THIS BUILDING EVEN IF THEY DON’T PAY RENT?! AND IF SO, THEN I DEMAND, HEREBY, HENCEFORTH, AND AT ONCE, BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME AS A LAWFUL CITIZEN AND AS A RESIDENT OF THIS APARTMENT WHO IS NOT NOR EVER HAS BEEN DELINQUENT ON THE PAYMENT OF RENT NOR ANY OTHER AGREED UPON EXPENSES, THAT