01 Feb Transylvanian Werewolf Blues: I Banged a Werewolf PART 1
It all starts with, well…me, Milo. My parents moved to Kentucky from California when my mom was still pregnant with me. And that’s where I spent most of my childhood. My dad left me and my mom when I was 6 to move to Nashville and become a country star. More on that later… maybe.
As you can imagine, growing up with a single parent, I didn’t have very much. I can honestly say I never really caught myself wanting much, but we did struggle from time to time. And it only took inviting a friend over once and having them point out all the stuff we didn’t have to put a stop to that. But it all started to change when I first met my grandfather from California. He hadn’t even known I existed until right before that, which I assumed was because he had some kind of falling out with my mom before she left. Turns out he made a killing in the movie industry running a special effects company.
It just so happens that I had developed a real fondness for movies over the years, since my mom worked in a video rental store(when they still existed) and free rentals was like literally the only perk to that job. So that and my lack of friends naturally led to an obsession with all things cinematic. So imagine my surprise and excitement when I found out my grandfather’s company had done effects for some of my favorite movies.
Before long I was allowed to visit him, since he had been lonely after my grandmother died, unfortunately before I was able to meet her, he was always happy to let me come stay with him when school was out for the summer. I was always crazy excited to go on these trips, where I’d spend most of my time with him in the various workshops of his company during the day and watching all kinds of movies with him at night. Aside from being one of the nicest people you could imagine, he had a mischievous side to him as well. He would constantly play jokes and pranks on his employees and would frequently let me help pull them off.
My home life also got better since he was sending us money here and there to make sure we didn’t hurt for anything we might need. He slowly took the role of the missing father figure in my life over the years. Until one day we got a call a few days before I was supposed to graduate and leave for California to start officially apprenticing at his company.
It was a heart attack.
He had it while he was alone in his home and couldn’t get help fast enough on his own. The cleaning lady found him laying there dead the next day. I… didn’t take it well, at all. I didn’t leave the house for weeks. I missed graduation and everything. Then we got another call. They had found a will in my grandfather’s house. He left every dollar he had to me. Just an INSANE amount of money. He always lived really modestly so I never really new how rich he was until that moment.
It took a while before I decided what to do with it. So long that the weeks became months and by then winter was setting in. But it all came together when I was sitting in my room staring at my movie collection. Then I caught sight of my row of Dracula movies sitting next to the first edition copy of the novel my grandfather had given me for my birthday years ago. He used to joke that he got it from the real Dracula himself. Probably meant Bela Lugosi or something. He was pretty old after all. That was the moment the idea popped into my head.
Long story short, I bought my mom a nice house and made sure she had enough money to never need to work again. But made sure the house was big enough for her to complain about having to clean. The only thing she hated more than the idea of someone she didn’t know being set loose in her home was not having something to complain about. And then I set off for Romania. Random I know, but you do weird shit when you’re grieving. Don’t judge me.
The flight ended up getting delayed and I took that time to look up the area and find a guide and translation service. Most of the ones I could find required more notice ahead of time to book, except for one. Mofucious’s Romanian Guide Service. The name was kinda ominous but they offered a full guide and linguistic service and they were literally the only one available on such short notice. So… I made a reservation.
Not too long after that I landed at Transilvania International Airport, and this is where the story your’re here for really starts. By the time I walked outside and looked out into the night under the glow of the yellow “Transilvania Airport” letters, it was almost midnight. It was a tiny airport, not even relative to the ones I was used to. Just small. I’ve seen bigger parking lots in front of Dollar Generals. Right next to it there was something that looked like a gas station, or maybe a bus stop. And across the road there was nothing. Just an almost endless expanse of fields speckled with a tree here and there that rapidly faded into darkness at the end of the light’s reach.
Once I got off the plane I got a confirmation email that told me to take a bus from the airport to a different location where the guide would pick me up. Seemed weird, especially since it didn’t tell me what time the bus would arrive or why we had to go to a different place or anything.
But as the suspicions crossed my mind I spied two men standing in front of what seemed to be a decommissioned fighter jet made airport lawn ornament. They both turned away as soon as they saw me notice them, making them seem even shadier than they already did. “Someone call Liam Neeson. This is where I get sold to a creepy old European dude.” I thought only half jokingly to myself as the men turned to face me again and started walking my way.
The hiss of the bus’s brakes scared my attention in its direction. Oh sweet diesel powered salvation… Picking up both my bags I climbed as fast as I could into the bus, which was empty except for the driver, who had a nervous look on his face. Me too buddy, me too.
“Uh, hi. What’s up?” I asked. The driver just pointed, directing me to take a seat on the bus. As we pulled off I tried to look for the two men, but they seemed to have taken off.
The ride lasted a good while, which after we got away from the open areas, was mostly just heading deeper and deeper into the Transilvanian woods on darker and darker backroads. The bus finally came to rest under what seemed like the only street light I had seen for miles, a decrepit bus stop sign hanging from the lone light pole.
Once the doors creaked open I got up, grabbed my bags, and made my way up to the front of he bus. As I did my eyes met the driver’s one last time and saw the mournful look on his face as I exited. Once my feet touched the ground the bus roared to life again and took off the opposite direction into the dark, leaving me there to shiver in the cold under my lonely street lamp in the middle of the woods.
After about 10 more minutes of shaking and trying to rub my hands together for warmth, I heard a sound coming towards me on the road. But not the sound of a car or another bus. Hooves. Hooves and the rattle of wood.
And then it made its way into the light. A horse drawn carriage. All black. Black horses, black carriage, even the driver wore a large, hooded, black cloak the obscured their face. Slowly and cautiously I stood and made my way over. As I got closer I could hear a deep, raspy breath coming from the hood of the driver as a sudden, strong wind cut across the road, chilling me to the bone.
“M-Mofucious?” I asked the grim figure on top of the carriage. They responded only by extended a black gloved hand, taking me by the shoulder, and guiding my into the carriage.
Once I was in and seated the cart began to move. Terror and sense of impending doom aside, at least it was a little warmer in the carriage and away from the wind chill. I rode for around 30 minutes until I heard the wheels transition from asphalt to what sounded like cobble stone, and soon after I began to see the lights of a village appear through the windows.
Not long after that we pulled up to a small inn. At which point the driver descended from their seat and made for the inn’s entrance. Several minutes later they returned with a room key, which they handed to me after opening the door and directing me out onto the stone street.
“Um, thanks.” I said, taking the key. “So… I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked. To which the driver nodded, placing a hand on my shoulder once again, pushing me towards the front door of the inn.
I walked up to the front desk, hearing the carriage begin to leave outside. Before I could open my mouth to speak the guy at the desk pointed me down a hallway, which I assumed would be where I found my room. It wasn’t. I wandered arount for about 15 minutes before I realized my room was upstairs… on the opposite side of the inn.
I was so tired I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
Once the sunlight shining in through the window finally woke me up, I got out of bed, put some fresh clothes on, and headed down stairs. Since I didn’t know what time my guide was supposed to come back, I figured it would be better to go ahead and be ready for them instead of keeping their creepy ass waiting.
I stood on the cobble stone street, looking up and down the road for them. After waiting outside for a while I ran back inside to answer the call of nature, and by the time I came back out the carriage was already there waiting for me.
I looked up to where the driver from last night sat, but this time instead of the grim reaper looking figure from before, I just saw… a woman. A regular woman. “Uhhh… Hello. Are you, I mean… What happen to the other driver?” I asked her.
“What other driver?” She asked back so that now I could also tell that she sounded as American as I was.
“You know, the one with the death rattle breath and the black cloak and shit.” I explained.
“Oh, that was me.” She answered plainly.
“What?! Then what was with the scaring me half to death junk?!” I questioned up a towards her from the ground.
“What do you… Oh! Right right. It was cold as balls last night and my nose was stopped up so bad I couldn’t even talk. I must have been quite the sight.” She chuckled.
“Oh, ok… That makes sense I guess. But what the hell is with the scary name and the old school horse and wagon deal?” I asked.
“It’s good for business. Tourists coming to Transilvania eat that stuff up. You’ve already met my assistants, Cerberus and Medusa.” She explained, guesturing to the two horses attached to the carriage. “Isn’t that why you picked my service?”
“Oh, well honestly I didn’t think to look for one until I was on the plane and you were the only one available on that short of notice…” I answered kind of apologetically. “Hey, now that I think of it, you took me straight to the inn to drop me off last night. How’d you know I hadn’t found a place to stay yet?”
“Well… you filled out the services needed rendering section on the website and said you needed accommodations.” She replied.
“I did? Jesus I must have been tired. I don’t even remember that. Oh well. Anyway, I’m Milo.” I said.
“Michelle. Michelle Woody.” She said back. “So Mr. Milo, where are we going?”
“Oh… I hadn’t actually thought ahead that far…” I admitted, pausing as I climbed into the carriage. “Any suggestions?…”
“How about a pub?” She suggested.
“I’m… 19.” I said. “And it’s like 10 in the morning.”
“We’re in Romania. The drinking age is 18 here. And it’s 3 in the afternoon.” She said.
“Oh, shit, you’re right.” I mumbled, checking the time on my phone. “Ok. Pub it is. Let’s get hammered.” I said, stepping the rest of the way into the carriage.
We rode up to a back alley pub who’s name I can’t begin to pronounce, but the sign had a duck with a stool sitting on top of it, whatever the hell that means. “This place looks like dump…” I mentioned, taking in the shambled look.
“That’s how you know it’s good. When it comes to pubs, the worse they look on the outside, the better they are on the inside.” She said.
“That doesn’t sound like it makes a whole lot of sense, but I’ll take your word for it.” I conceded as we walked through the door.
When we entered we were greeted by, well… an angel. By which I mean the most gorgeous woman I’d ever lain eyes on. And then, as I stood there with my jaw hanging open, she spoke to us in the most beautiful Romanian accent.
“Oh! Hello Michelle! You bring us another customer I see!”
“Wait… You don’t have some kind of business arrangement with this out-house do you?” I asked suspiciously, cutting my eyes at the her.
“What? Of course not!” My guide replied defensively. “This just happens to be the best pub in town.”
“Wow… I’d hate to see the ones that managed to limbo under that bar…” I mumbled to myself as we made our way through the place and found a table. “So… you know that woman? Who is she? I mean… What’s her name?”
“Oh ho! Why so curious? Somebody have a little crush? HEY TEAGAN! THIS GUY SAYS HE LIKES Y-” She tried to shout across the room before I managed to scramble to her side and put my hand over her mouth.
“WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!” I hissed loudly in her ear.
I took my hand off once I heard her start giggling from underneath it, allowing her to speak. “Ok ok, yes I know her. That’s Teagan. She supposed to live in a caravan somewhere but nobody knows where it is.”
“So is she a gypsy or something?” I blurted out.
“Shut up stupid!” She exclaimed, thumping me on the head. “She is but they don’t like that word. They’re called Romani dipshit.”
“You’re an aggressive ass tour guide you know that?!” I barked back, rubbing the sore spot on my temple.
“What would you like me to get for you?” A heavenly voice spoke from behind me.
I turned to see the lady from the front door standing patiently waiting with a smile on her face. “I uh, duh… um… I-uh… Drink please.” I partially stammered. To which she just raised her eyebrows, apparently expecting something much less stupid to come out of my mouth.
“Oh, hey there. I’ll take my usual and one more for the mute, please.” Michelle ordered, pointing to me, who’s mouth was still moving soundlessly.
“I will get you your drinks.” The woman declared before leaving our table and heading to the bar.
“So, where am I? I mean, like… where did you bring me?” I asked.
“Buddy, you are in the village of Orasul Protejat de Lupi.” The told me. “But the locals nickname for it is Yerba because of all the special herbs that grow here.”
“And where is that exactly? I didn’t see it when I was looking up places on Google Maps to visit while I’m here.” I prodded.
“Yes well you wouldn’t find it there. I’ve tried to figure out why but haven’t found anything concrete. Though the general consensus seems to be the the Romanian government struck a deal with Google to keep it hidden away. That way it helps preserve a small piece of Romania as it was. A little hidden gem for the occasional traveler to stumble across and experience.” She explained.
“I have heard of Google taking things off of maps before for all kinda reasons. So maybe it’s not completely impossible.” I reasoned. “Glad I picked your company.”
The woman returned a few minutes later with a couple of glasses which she sat on the table. Not that I was expecting her to sit them on the floor or our heads or something… So I’m not entirely sure why I mentioned that she put them on the… Whatever. Anyway, she brought us our drinks. I was kinda surprised because I was expecting some kind of ale with the foam and all warm and junk. But is was a colorful, fruity looking drink with ice cubes in it. And despite the cross looks it got me from some of the more gruff and haggard men in the pub, it tasted pretty good.
By the time I was almost finished with my first one she was three in and on her fourth. “So you’re just gonna get drunk on the clock?” I asked.
“That’s for… why… because I got the horses.” She slurred out. “They’rer-r-r-r really good horses. I can get hackin’ fummered and they’ll take care of everything.”
“I take it back, you’re a horrible tour guide.”
“Y-you’re a horrible tour guide.” She replied, poking me in the chest and almost falling out of her chair.
While she was attempting to resituate herself after leaning out of her seat to poke me, I tipped my glass up to take the last sip from it. As the ice cubes slid down and hit my lips I found myself face to face with… a spider, frozen in one of the cubes… in the glass I had been drinking from the whole time. I choked and spewed the reminding liquid in my mouth all over the table as I tumbled backwards onto the floor.
As I was getting back to my feet I saw and heard my waitress, Teagan, rolling and cackling uncontrollably on the floor. When I reached down and picked up the fake ice cube off the table to examine it, Michelle took a break from her own laughter to speak.
“I swear they never suspect her to have a mischievous side.” She said as she chuckled into her drink. “She got your ass good.”
“I walked around the table and dropped the fake cube onto the waitress’s chest and spoke in my best Daffy Duck impression, “Of courth you realith… that thith meanth war.” And with that I walked out the front door, contemplating my sweet revenge as I made my way to the carriage. Where I sat for about 30 seconds before I realized I had to pay for my drink and retrieve my plastered tour guide.
I walked back out of the pub after brushing of the second wave of laughter my walk of shame caused me, and situated Michelle into the back of the carriage before hoisting myself into the driver’s seat. “How do you work this thing?!” I called down to her. To which she just whistled, causing the horses to spring to life and trot down the cobblestone road.
A few minutes later the horses stopped on the outside of my inn to let me off and for Michelle to take my place in the driver’s seat. “So… what was her name again?” I asked as she climbed her way up to her perch.
“Teagan. Her name’s Teagan. And don’t worry, I had a thing for her too when I first came here. Too bad she doesn’t swing that way.” She answered down to me.
“Oh… so you’re…” I started.
“Pansexual.” She finished for me.
“Oh so you’re into-“
“If you make a crack about me getting turned on by cookware I swear to god I’ll run you over.” She interrupted me.
“… Fair enough.” I said, and made my way to the inn door and up to my room.
That night I forgot all about sightseeing in Romania, instead I spent all night thinking about how I was going to get that Teagan girl back. Once I came up with an idea I called Michelle and got her to tell me what time the girl got off work. Which was surprisingly easy and when I asked why she said, “Oh I’m not worried. You couldn’t hurt that chick if you wanted to.”
That evening I was waiting outside the pub near the back entrance with the scariest mask I was able to find at a local party store. Once I saw her walk through the back door I put the mask on and hid around the corner.
“RAGLE FRAGGLE!!” I screamed as I jumped out in front of her.
“AHH! Oh my god! Why would you do this?!” She shouted at me as she stiffened up like a board.
“Because I hate spiders!” I proclaimed, yanking off the mask before tossing it into her hands and bouncing my way out of the alley, laughing the whole way.
“UGH!” I heard her groan from behind me as I left, inflating my sense of accomplishment as the mask she had just thrown passed by my head.
The next morning I decided I’d go back to the pub and sit at one of her tables, just to really rub it in. “To the pub! I have business there!” I instructed Michelle when she asked me what I wanted to do that day.
“Ok… I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean but at least you don’t seem so glum anymore.” She said, taking her place in the driver’s seat of the carriage.
“Hello! Welc-” The Teagan girl’s eyes narrowed at me as she stopped mid sentence.
“This is your table right?” I asked, sitting down at the same one as before.
We got the same drink as before but I could tell she didn’t have the same energetic charm as last time when she took our order and brought them to us. It took a few minutes of this before Michelle spoke up and asked, “Something going on here I don’t know about? Teagan seems to be a little bent out of shape about something.”
“Why would you say that?” I asked her in response.
“Well… because that.” She said, pointing in the direction of the bar where Teagan stood behind it, the fingertips of her tented hands resting just under her nose, glaring at me through narrowed eyes.
“Jesus…” I whispered to myself. Then I explained what I did with the mask the night before.
“Oh god… I thought you were going to ask her out or something.” She laughed. “You done fucked up kid. It’s been nice knowing you.” She added, patting me on the shoulder.
“W-what is that supposed to mean?” I asked, glancing back over towards the bar, where Teagan was still glaring at me like a snake eyeing a mouse.
“You’ll probably find out before long… You poor bastard.” She giggled, and that’s the last she spoke of it.
I barely got any sleep that night for wondering what kind of horrible things this Teagan might try to do to me. Maybe she new some local street tuffs and was planning to have them rough me up or something. All the thoughts of terrible possibilities put my paranoia on edge, so I made sure to keep my door locked and my windows latched tight.
The next morning I made sure to look out the window to see if anyone might be waiting for me to leave the inn, but the coast looked clear. So I opened the door to hurry down stairs and get to the carriage as fast as possible, but when I tried to walk through the door I felt something solid and… sticky on my face. My feet flew out from under me as my top stopped but my bottom kept moving. And before I knew what happened I was laying on the ground with a face full of clear packing tape and not a single molecule of oxygen left in my lungs.
The following prank war that spanned the next several days consisted of everything from stink bombs to fire cracker booby traps to her somehow getting a mousetrap into my shoe in my room before I put it on and me even managing to super glue her hand to one of the serving trays at the pub.
“HARDWARE STORE!” I barked at Michelle as I stomped towards the carriage, still trying to wipe the remnants of her most recent prank off my face.
I was about to use everything my grandad taught me about special effects… for evil. I bought all kinds of tools and materials. Something I’m sure he would have been perfectly fine with, knowing him.
Hours later it was dark, and had you been in Romania on that particular evening, you would have found me crouched behind some trash cans near the back door to the pub where Teagan worked. Before long I saw the door open and Teagan’s head poke out through the small crack and cautiously check to see if the cost was clear.
“Clever girl…” I whispered to myself, my hand tightening around the actuator I was holding, its cord leading across the pavement to a contraption hidden under a large black hefty bag. “But not clever enough.”
Once the door was all the way open I hit the switch which caused the compressed air container to purge all its contents at once, basting the 20lbs of old raw fish and floor sweepings I had collected from local shops during the day straight at her… Admittedly much harder than I thought it would… It knocked her clear off her feet.
“OH SHIT! I AM SO FUCKING SORRY!!” I yelped as I took off running over to where she was laying face up on the ground. “Are you… Pkm… Mmm… Hmmhmm…. Are you ok?” I asked, choking back a chuckle from looking down at her, covered in rotting fish and little chunks of loose fat.
She just glared back up at me, that is until a fish that got half splattered, half stuck on the wall above the door slid off and smacked her dead in her face. “You will want to be running…” She growled through gritted teeth, her eyes still squinting from the fish juice.
“I want to… What?” I asked back.
“I will be breaking your legs now.” She responded, reaching a hand back into the door and around the corner, retrieving a wooden baseball bat and…. snapped it over her knee like a twig!
“SHIT!” I screamed, breaking into a full sprint out of the back alley and into the street. I darted in and out of alleys and nooks and backyards until I couldn’t hear her footsteps behind me anymore, finally stopping in a small courtyard with a little pond in the middle.
As I bent over, my hands on my knees, gasping for air I heard a voice. “FOUND YOU!” Before being knocked flying into the pond. I felt the cold water rush over me before another body followed into the water right behind me.
My head broke the surface first as I came up gasping for breath and coughing on pond water. “What the hell just happened?!” I choked, looking around the dimly lit courtyard. Right then Teagan’s head splashed up out of the dark surface of the water as she wrapped her hands around my neck.
“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! Fishes and meats?! What kind of sick person makes rotten meat cannon?!” She shouted as she shook me back in forth in the pond. Then… suddenly, I felt a warmth through the icy water. I opened my eyes and… She was kissing me.
“W-what the hell?!” I stammered once she pulled her face back away from mine. “Aren’t you going to break my legs?…”
“No, you are too cute. I would be such waste to kill you.” She said.
“Wait… Kill? I thought you were just going to break my legs.” I questioned.
“Yes, this is what I say, break your legs. Where did you hear this kill from?” She replied.
“YOU JUST SAID… Never mind. Can we get out of this pond before we freeze?” I asked.
We both climbed out and I noticed she was already shivering so I suggested we go back to my room at the inn to let her clothes dry off, since she wouldn’t tell me where she lived.
Once we got to the inn I gave her a towel and some of my sleeping clothes to wear while they dried. ALTHOUGH I’m pretty sure she didn’t really need them and would have been fine sitting around bare ass naked because she just started undressing to dry off right in front of me.
“Ah-oh god! I’ll be outside! Let me know when you’re done!” I squeaked as I bolted out the door and into the hall. “So… you really think I’m cute?” I asked as I propped myself up against the door.
“Well yes of course. In the same way as a small puppy who chew all your shoes.” She answered from inside the room. “For why do you ask?”
“Oh, never mind it’s stupid.” I said.
“Probably, but I would still like to know.” She insisted.
“Ughhh, ok. Well… it’s just that I’ve never actually… had a girlfriend. I was kinda starting to think it was because I was ugly or something.” I admitted. As soon as I did the door swung open revealing Teagan in nothing but the tshirt I left out for her. “Are… you wearing anything under that?” I asked nervously before she grabbed my face in both her hands.
“You are not ugly! What a terrible thing to say!” She exclaimed. “You are very handsome man! I like you since I meet you!”
“Wait, really? Then w-what was with the fake spider in my drink?!” I stammered.
“That is how I… How do you say… Show affection. I torment.” She explained as innocently as you could imagine.
“Tor-you mean tease?” I asked.
“Oh yes tease. This is the word. I tease.” She responded.
“Ok… Now I feel really bad about the rotten meat cannon…” I mumbled to myself as I flopped down onto the bed.
“You really never have girlfriend?” She asked, sitting on the bed next to me.
“Nah, I tried but I get really nervous when I talk to them and just start saying stupid stuff about monster movies.” I explained.
“You like monsters?” She asked, shifting in her spot a little. “What kinds do you like?”
From there we spent what felt like forever talking about monsters and movies and my granddad and how I ended up in Romaina, and she told me about living in a caravan on the edge of town. We talked and talked until she put her hand on top of mine, leaned in VERY close, and whispered into my ear,
“I have never had… Um, ‘boyfriend’ either.”
She pulled her head back just enough so I could look into her just insanely bright, emerald eyes. You guys just can’t imagine it. Right then, looking at me like she was, she was just… sunset at the end of a perfect day beautiful.
And to sum up what happens next, well… First time for everything I guess.
I woke up the next morning to an empty bed and an empty room, except for a note that read, “I am thinking you kind find excuse to come to pub today. ~T”
With a big grin on my face I folded the note up and stuffed it in my pocket once I was finished dressing, which was something I had to do because I was still naked from the night before. Ayeee. What can I say, from this point the story goes from being about a boy to being about man, kinda.
After that I strutted down stairs like I was Don Juan himself and went outside to wait for Michelle and her carriage. But after a little while it became obvious that she was running late. So I decided to walk across the street and wait on a bench until she showed up. It was as I was crossing the street that I saw a man’s hat get blown off my the wind, and as he hurriedly chased after it into the road he didn’t notice the large utility truck headed straight for him.
“MILO! MILO!! HOLY SHIT HOW ARE YOU ALIVE!!” I heard a voice that sounded like it was off in the distance. “Dude! Dude wake up!” The source of the voice started tapping on my face.
I opened my eyes to see Michelle standing-er, kneeling over me with a look of mortified terror on her face. I looked around and realized I wasn’t on the street anymore but was instead half way in the gutter on the other side of the road from where I started.
“What the hell?” I mumbled up at Michelle.
“YOU JUST GOT SLAMMED BY THAT TRUCK!! Oh and you totally saved that old guy. His knee’s a little skinned but it’s better than what that truck would have done.” She told me.
“Oh… Oh yeah. I guess I moved before I had time to think.” I said, trying to collect my thoughts. “Oh god… I think I peed a little… No wait, I peed a lot. I shit a little.” I groaned trying to get to my feet.
“Don’t get up!” She exclaimed, trying to keep me from dragging myself of the ground. “The ambulance is on the way. I don’t even know how you’re breathing right now.”
“What are you-” I tried to ask, but she just pointed in the direction of the truck, which now had its whole front end dented in and what appeared to be blood running down parts of it. “Oh holy shit was that me?! Is that mine?! That’s not pee! It’s blood all over me!” I shrieked looking down at myself for the first time. “Oh god! Where is it coming from?! I can’t find anything!” I yelled, wiping blood away to try and find the source of the bleeding, but I wasn’t able to.
“Oh please god tell me it’s not coming out of my-” About that time the ambulance had pulled up with the siren blaring. And I spent the next few minutes being… examined my the medics, who apparently had the same suspicion about the… origin of the blood that I did. And after an embarrassing few more minutes of them… verifying that I was ok, they said something to me in Romanian which I choose to believe was “Congratulations. You aren’t bleeding out your butthole.”
“They couldn’t find anything.” I told Michelle, shrugging as I climbed out of the back of the ambulance. And that’s when I caught a glimpse of a near folded in half traffic sign.
“Someone who saw it said you hit that after the truck ran into you. They said your back wrapped around it so far you basically kneed yourself in the back of the head.” Michelle explained.
“That can’t be right. I’d be paralyzed or dead right now if that happened.” I argued.
“You should be dead anyway. That truck was moving way too fast to begin with. The impact by itself should have killed the shit out of you.” She said with a noticeable amount of concern in her voice.
“Well, since I’m not dead yet, Imma go get some non-bloody clothes on and then we’re going to the pub.” I proclaimed, almost skipping into the inn. “You ok old timer?” I asked the man who I pushed out of the way, handing him his hat that I picked up off the ground before walking over. I don’t think he understood me, but he took my hand in his and gave me a big smile and a slow nod. That said enough for me.
“You got lucky last night.”
“I-What?! Who told you that?!” I barked at Michelle before I climbed into the carriage.
“You just got mauled by a huge truck and you still got that shit eating grin on your face. Getting lucky with a girl like Teagan is about the only thing I know of that can pull a grin out of someone’s ass after something like that.” She replied with a twisted grin of her own.
“I… Shut up. Just take me to the pub.” I commanded.
“To see Teagan?…” She asked jokingly.
“Mmmmmm….” I grumbled, sliding down in my seat.
“I mean not for nothing, but you kinda just got bitch slapped by a giant metal missile and don’t have scratch to show for it. Do you really think a pub is the place to be right now?” She asked, leaning down from the top to peek through the window.
“I just got bitch slapped by a giant metal missile and don’t have a scratch to show for it. A pub is EXACTLY the place I need to be right now.” I insisted.
“MILO!” An excited voice called as soon as we walked into the pub. I felt my whole body tingle as Teagan ran up and wrapped her arms around me.
“God you’re strong for your size…” I huffed once she let me go and gave me a chance to hug her back.
“Milo got hit by a truck.” Michelle just blurted out.
“WHAT?!” Teagan gasped in response. “What you mean hit?!”
“SHHH SHUT UP!” I hissed, trying to cover her mouth.
“He got hit-“
“It should have-“
“DON’T YOU DO IT!”
“He got hit by a huge utility truck and wrapped around a street sign. It should have killed him.” She finally said after holding my hands down and putting her hand over my mouth to keep me silent long enough to speak. “EWW! Did you just lick my hand you gross little weasel?!”
“I’m fine though.” I tried to reassure Teagan after seeing the look of worry on her face, but it only seemed to make it worse when she heard that I didn’t have so much as single bruise on me. “Is everything ok?”
“Oh… YES! Let me sit you at a table.” She said, shaking herself out of it.
A few minutes later Teagan was walking up to our table with our drinks, but this time she also brought a plate with food on it, which she sat in front of me. “Oh, I didn’t or-“
“No I know this.” She interrupted me. “You have been through very much today. You need to eat something.” She insisted, pushing the plate closer to me.
“Oh, well ok I guess. I was feeling kinda hungry anyway.” I said, taking a potato wedge off the plate and cramming it into my mouth.
“So Teagan… I couldn’t help but notice you’ve never taken a sick day.” Michelle spoke up before she could leave the table, causing her to hesitate. “As a matter of fact I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much as a tiny booboo on that perfect skin of yours. What do you think about that?”
“….. I am very healthy woman.” Teagan answered. “Good immune system.”
“Must be if you’re even immune to scratches and bruises…” Michelle said, narrowing her eyes.
“I am always being careful.” Teagan responded.
“Mhmm… Very careful, I’d say.” Michelle spoke almost under her breath. Then she said something in Romanian that I couldn’t understand, but it made Teagan look really uneasy before she turned and went back to work at another table.
“Hey what gives?” I asked her.
“Huh? Oh, nothing. I guess I’m just salty that you got to her before I did.” She explained. “Been barking up that tree for ages.”
“Oh, ok.” I mumbled, stuffing a few more potato wedges into my face hole.
“You’re really not giving a lot of though about just getting bow-tied around a street sign, are you?” Michelle asked, a hint of astonishment in her voice.
“Nah… Don’ wanna loo’ the gif’ horf in the mouf’.” I sputtered, some potato falling out of my full mouth.
“Hmmm…” She hmmm-d, narrowing her eyes at me. “Ok, I guess. Whatever, do you. You seem a lot more cheerful at least.”
“Yeah, I just survived getting slammed by a truck. Who wouldn’t be happy about that?” I asked.
“That’s not what I meant.” She said, glancing over at Teagan. “Getting to know each other a little better after hours?” She asked with a smirk.
“Wha’? Oh I um, we uh… Mind your own business!” I said, choking down a mouth full of food.